Kimmel Suggests Bernie Sanders’s Cash-Heavy Campaign Could Spend a Bit on ‘Personal Grooming’
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‘How About the Other 200 Years?’
Most of the news around Senator Bernie Sanders’s presidential campaign has been positive of late: He pulled ahead of Joe Biden in a national poll, and first-quarter statistics showed that he has raised more money this year than any other Democratic candidate. Meanwhile, he also released 10 years’ worth of tax returns.
The late-night hosts got in some good-natured jabs about Sanders’s fund-raising success, his income and his potential Democratic opponent Joe Biden.
“The race for 2020 is underway, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden by 29 percent to 24. You can tell Joe Biden is stressed: He spent the day giving himself a massage.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Of the Democrats, Bernie Sanders has raised the most money so far — $18.2 million. Zero of which has been spent on personal grooming.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Bernie Sanders yesterday released his taxes. He released 10 years’ worth of income tax returns, which is great, but now how about the other 200 years?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Yesterday Bernie Sanders released 10 years of his tax returns. Finally, now we can get the answers to all of our Bernie-related financial controversies. Like whether he writes off mothballs as a business expense or a snack.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Jimmy Kimmel made fun of President Trump for tweeting angrily about the fact that Sanders was featured in a Fox News town hall special.
“He gets very jealous when his Fox makes other friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referring to the show “Fox and Friends”
Colbert’s Wishes for Notre-Dame
In the two days since a fire incinerated the roof and spire of the historic Notre-Dame cathedral in Paris, companies have already pledged $700 million toward funding the repairs. Stephen Colbert said we should all be grateful for the generosity — on one condition.
“That is absolutely lovely — it’s great these businessmen and corporations are stepping up. I just pray that they don’t sell the naming rights. Because it just would not be the same to visit the Tostitos Notre-Dame Cathedral at Monster Energy Drink Île de la Cité.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Jay Cutler Edition)
“Reality star and new mom Kristin Cavallari for some reason told E! that her husband, former Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, ‘unclogged her milk ducts by “sucking harder than he’s ever sucked.”’ Clearly she has never seen her husband play football.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. ‘That’s really inappropriate, Daddy,’ said Stephen Miller.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
Stephen Colbert hopes that this Brexit special, which he filmed in England over the weekend, leaves him with “three years of agonizing reappraisal.”
Sometimes Conan O’Brien puts together skits that are so quirky, they’re not really funny until the very end — at which point they do something that might make you laugh until you’re sore.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
O’Brien will air his prime-time special “Conan in Australia” on Wednesday night, continuing a tradition of international shows that has already taken him to Italy, Israel, Mexico and many other places.