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Trump Drones On
On Thursday, President Trump responded to Iran’s downing of an American surveillance drone by authorizing military strikes, then changing his mind.
“Both sides have their stories. Iran says they shot down the drone because it was flying over their country. But America says it wasn’t flying over Iran, it was just flying very, very close. Yeah. ‘I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you — Mom! Iran hit me!’” — TREVOR NOAH
“But who are you going to believe, Iran or the U.S. government … is a question that used to be really easy to answer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I don’t think America should launch a full-out war to avenge a flying Roomba, all right?” — TREVOR NOAH
“This would be like declaring war over a downed washing machine. But it could happen. Remember, World War I started when an anarchist stole the kaiser’s toaster.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“That’s right, Iran shot down an unmanned drone. They said they wanted to send America a clear message. But Trump was like, ‘Everyone knows if you want to send the U.S. a message, you do it on Twitter.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“It’s getting serious, though. An Iranian general named Hossein Salami said they’re ready for war. Trump’s already got troops in Turkey ready for action, but Putin’s warning the White House against the conflict. So if you’re keeping track, we’ve got Salami and Turkey on white, hold the Russian.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (100,000 Invisible People Edition)
Trump called into Sean Hannity’s Fox News show on Wednesday and talked about his re-election rally in Orlando, claiming, among other things, that 121,000 people were there — so many, he said, that some were turned away.
“The city officials in Orlando estimated the crowd at 19,792, so he’s only off by about 100,000 people.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“[As Trump:] We were begging them not to come so hard that they heard us before we said it and they never showed up, so that’s a win.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It’s exactly like a tailgate party — lots of drinking and everyone is cheering for a 300-pound man with possible brain damage.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Seth Meyers and Rihanna went day drinking together, with the host suggesting names for cocktails based on some of her hits.